You were already gone

Or at least it seems like you were.

Once my mom and my dad, dad through adoption, separated it was almost as though I was not really all that important anymore.... Part of that was the miles apart, but an even bigger part, was alcohol. Again with alcohol ruining, and ending lives. I hate it.

I know my dad came to visit once, I was 15. On his way back home he was arrested for drinking and driving. He told me he wouldn't be visiting again. So that was that, he was now a wanted "felon" in Indiana, I guess for not paying his fines, and he didnt want to risk going back to jail. Understandable I suppose.

The following year I rode a bus with. My one year old daughter to come and visit and introduce dad to his new grand daughter. It was a nice visit. It was obvious though that my dad had many issues. Starting with alcohol, mixed up with a money hungry, live in girlfriend, who stated his money was her money and her money was her money.... She went and bought steaks and watermelon and all the trimmings for dinner.... Even though there was enough food in the pantry to feed everyone for a month. Then there was what seemed to be a bit of hoarding. There were about 500 lawn and lead bags filled with aluminum cans, In Wisconsin you can be fined for not recycling. Cans in the garage, dog kennel and basement 90% of said can, were beer cans. I asked him why he didnt take them and cash them in... You get MONEY for those ya know? He had no real reason. Before my visit with the baby he had informed me he made sure to vacuum, problem was, she was no longer crawling and wanted the shiny pennies, food, ashtrays and fake nails and hair of the coffee table more than anything that might have been vaccumed up would have interested her.

I decided around the end of our visit that his house was not the best house to be in, with my young child. I didn't visit again. So with him not coming to Indiana, and my not visiting at his home that kind of put an end to us seeing each other.

I wrote a letter a couple times and they were never replied too. Once I was talking to him on the phone, the last time I talked to him on the phone mid way through my conversation with him he was so drink he'd forgotten who he was talking too. At that point I decideded he was not really worth the time or effort.

I found a cousin online last year, his niece and asked about him. Found out he had nearly died, was found unconscious alone in his apartment and now suffered from dementia. He was living with his brother, only about four hours from where I live.

So once again I wrote. I didn't expect a response, and not shocking, I didn't get one. It hurt, but when your expecting to be hurt I guess it's easier to deal with. I had thoughts of him actually visiting or my visiting him at his brothers home... but I didn't ever really count on that happening and wondered with dementia if he even would know who I was if I did come visit. I was told he did get my letter though, and the birthday card.


So the past week or so he's been on my mind. His birthday was July 3rd so I told myself that was why he was there in the front of my mind.... I believed this until my phone rang with a Wisconsin number.... My cousin Nathan called... was he calling to catch up? It had been a while since we talked. When he asked what I was doing, I knew he wanted to make sure I was in a place where hearing the news would be okay. My dad was dead. He died in his sleep, blankets still wrapped around him. His roommate thought he was asleep until he actually tried to wake him up. I guess he'd said he wanted to die in his sleep, and I guess that is the way many of us would prefer to go. I am thankful he was allowed a peaceful death.

I know your only supposed to say good things about someone after they pass... I however just feel mostly anger. Why didn't he write me back? He could have met his grandkids, seen me, met my husband, called and heard my voice one more time. I made the effort more than I feel I should have had too.... I have no regrets there. I still feel angry though. I think I am allowed that feeling. Its hard hearing that you have lost someone when in reality you lost them a long time ago.

So Jim, my dad. I know he loved me. When my mom had told him she would leave if he didn't sober up, he quit that moment. We meant that much to him. He went through the process of adopting me, and never made me feel like anything else but his real daughter.... At least,not when he was sober. I always felt loved, and wanted and special as a child when dad was there.

I remember weekends together. Shopping, the mall. I'd get a Barbie doll he'd get a book. We'd go to McDonald's for lunch. He was SO mad when things changed, simple things like a detour or Mcdonalds changing from one drive through window, to two. It just threw him off his routine and irritated him.

I remember him always bringing my best friend and I some sort of treat home when he would come from work. I remember sitting with him in his chair watching tv. I was a daddy's girl for sure. I remember the way he would twirl his own hair, and yours if you sat too closely to him. I think about it everytime I see my oldest daughter doing the same thing. I know it cant be inherited, but it seems like a part of him, in her.

 I remember how he loved steak. Tbones. Medium. I remember that he always left a generous tip when we would go out. I remember going places with him all the time. Baseball card shows, a game, the mall, I am pretty sure I had him wrapped pretty tightly around my finger in those days.

I remember him getting mad at the tv when his team was loosing. Going to a friends who has satellite to watch the packers play. He was a cheese head for sure. I dont think he ever missed a game.

There is a lot about my dad, that I think I inherited even if not through blood. I am very good about attendance at my job, something remember we're his pins from gm for having not missed one day all year.He got one every year, he rarely got sick and when he did it was during his vacation time.

I can't really cry about missing him, it's been so long since I have seen or spoken to him anyway. I cried, though. I honestly didn't think I would. I did though. Maybe because now I know there's no chance I'll get a reply letter. I was not expecting to get one, especially after a year of my letter being recieved, but just knowing its not possible, I guess that is why I cried. I also know the pain the rest of the family is feeling having lost a brother, uncle, and friend.


I can't say I'll miss you, because I got past that long ago. I can say I'm glad your no longer dependent on a bottle. I hope you made it up to heaven, and I hope that you are scratching fluffy behind the ears, and visiting your mom and dad.

Thank you for being the dad you were, when you were sober. For helping me become who I am today, and for loving me like I was your own flesh and blood. For that words can not express what you meant to me. I don't know where my life would have gone with my mom and I had you never been in it. I do know I would not be where I am today.

 I hope if you can see me now, that you can see I am happy and healthy and have the things I need for my family. That I work hard to get what I need and what I want, and I have earned everything I have gotten in life. I hope you are proud of the parent I am, even if I started young and I hope that you are waiting on me when its my time, so we can catch up. RIP.