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Its still hard

 I must say that the death of Don, is probably my first really big death of someone close to me in my life.

 Yes my dad died, but I was only 2 and I don't remember him at all, and things are just so easy to deal with when your that young. My mom said at his funeral I yelled "BOAT BOAT" when they brought out his casket. After the service I picked a Bible up from the dash and said "Jesus said we all be OK mama".

 Then of course my grammy when I was 10 or so. I remember my aunt calling and telling us she'd passed away that morning. I remember crying and missing her like crazy, still do of course. She lived 9 hours away though and it almost just felt like we didn't visit as often, or ever, not like she was really gone. I do remember regretting not speaking to her over the phone. We all knew she was sick and I was afraid I would cry while talking to her, and make her scared. So I didn't say anything. Of course again, when she was sick and in the hospital when I was three, her dying was not a problem, I walked right up to her and said "Grandma? Are you gonna die???" I remember her telling me that she might. "Oh well can I have a jawbreaker?" ha. Death is just easier when your young I guess.

 Tims mother passing away was really hard. Not so much hard for me personally, I didn't know her well, but it was hard for me, through Tim. I watched his heart break and that caused mine to break as well. Hers was my first funeral, and viewing and all that. That was hard to do but I knew I had to be by my husbands side, as he needed me.

 So now Don. When we found out he had died, 18 days after the fact, it was an up and down thing. I was like no way, I drove by his house, lights were on, his trash was at the curb, he's not DEAD... Then come to find out he indeed was. I cried. I cried that night so much that my eyeballs were swollen nearly shut the next morning. I missed him, and regretted the words not said, visits not made, cards not sent ect.

 So its been over a month since he passed away, and nearly a month since we all found out he had. Its still hard. I still hurt. No I don't cry at night until my eyes are swollen the next day... but tears form when I think about certain recipes, when I see a yellow truck and catch myself going is that Don? When I go to the market and get food, the one he shopped at, the one I would bump into him in so many times.

 I had not cooked a real meal, unless you count spaghetti and tuna helper, since I learned of his passing. At first I thought it was just pure laziness, but I wonder now if its not because it makes me miss him. Easter dinner I made a ham, and coconut cream pie (his favorite) if he'd still been alive I could have taken him a slice, he would have loved it and told me what an "amazing cook" I was. He probably would have sent me home with some odd thing he'd made or bought that was food, stuff my kids would never even think of sticking a taste bud on... but since it was from "Papa Don" they would have tried it, and most likely liked it.

 So getting into my spices for my ham, I found a baggie of spices Don had premixed for me to use on a prime rib. I just sat there, holding a damn bag of spices, crying on Easter Sunday. Should I still be crying over this? Is this normal? I have no idea. I mean I hold it together just fine and honestly 90% of the time I don't even think about it, but when I do, I almost always tear up. I miss him. I miss him a lot, I wish I had one more day, hell even 5 minuets more. Just to tell him I love him, and that he's changed my life in so many amazing ways he could never even understand.

 I think about his dumb dog too. Damn Max. Scared of his own shadow. A 200 pound doberman scared of a flea, he would literally piss himself if he saw one of the kids come in the house... The neighbor told us he went to a good family. I hope that is true and I hope Max has come out of his shell being somewhere where maybe he will be socialized a bit more.

 So tomorrow I am making a grocery list, and I am going to cook meals for my family again. I will probably always turn my head when I see a yellow truck or a huge doberman, and think of him when I see dried squid or a perfectly awesome recipe he would have loved. I guess I will always miss him, I just hope not always so badly?

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