Skip to main content

Its still hard

 I must say that the death of Don, is probably my first really big death of someone close to me in my life.

 Yes my dad died, but I was only 2 and I don't remember him at all, and things are just so easy to deal with when your that young. My mom said at his funeral I yelled "BOAT BOAT" when they brought out his casket. After the service I picked a Bible up from the dash and said "Jesus said we all be OK mama".

 Then of course my grammy when I was 10 or so. I remember my aunt calling and telling us she'd passed away that morning. I remember crying and missing her like crazy, still do of course. She lived 9 hours away though and it almost just felt like we didn't visit as often, or ever, not like she was really gone. I do remember regretting not speaking to her over the phone. We all knew she was sick and I was afraid I would cry while talking to her, and make her scared. So I didn't say anything. Of course again, when she was sick and in the hospital when I was three, her dying was not a problem, I walked right up to her and said "Grandma? Are you gonna die???" I remember her telling me that she might. "Oh well can I have a jawbreaker?" ha. Death is just easier when your young I guess.

 Tims mother passing away was really hard. Not so much hard for me personally, I didn't know her well, but it was hard for me, through Tim. I watched his heart break and that caused mine to break as well. Hers was my first funeral, and viewing and all that. That was hard to do but I knew I had to be by my husbands side, as he needed me.

 So now Don. When we found out he had died, 18 days after the fact, it was an up and down thing. I was like no way, I drove by his house, lights were on, his trash was at the curb, he's not DEAD... Then come to find out he indeed was. I cried. I cried that night so much that my eyeballs were swollen nearly shut the next morning. I missed him, and regretted the words not said, visits not made, cards not sent ect.

 So its been over a month since he passed away, and nearly a month since we all found out he had. Its still hard. I still hurt. No I don't cry at night until my eyes are swollen the next day... but tears form when I think about certain recipes, when I see a yellow truck and catch myself going is that Don? When I go to the market and get food, the one he shopped at, the one I would bump into him in so many times.

 I had not cooked a real meal, unless you count spaghetti and tuna helper, since I learned of his passing. At first I thought it was just pure laziness, but I wonder now if its not because it makes me miss him. Easter dinner I made a ham, and coconut cream pie (his favorite) if he'd still been alive I could have taken him a slice, he would have loved it and told me what an "amazing cook" I was. He probably would have sent me home with some odd thing he'd made or bought that was food, stuff my kids would never even think of sticking a taste bud on... but since it was from "Papa Don" they would have tried it, and most likely liked it.

 So getting into my spices for my ham, I found a baggie of spices Don had premixed for me to use on a prime rib. I just sat there, holding a damn bag of spices, crying on Easter Sunday. Should I still be crying over this? Is this normal? I have no idea. I mean I hold it together just fine and honestly 90% of the time I don't even think about it, but when I do, I almost always tear up. I miss him. I miss him a lot, I wish I had one more day, hell even 5 minuets more. Just to tell him I love him, and that he's changed my life in so many amazing ways he could never even understand.

 I think about his dumb dog too. Damn Max. Scared of his own shadow. A 200 pound doberman scared of a flea, he would literally piss himself if he saw one of the kids come in the house... The neighbor told us he went to a good family. I hope that is true and I hope Max has come out of his shell being somewhere where maybe he will be socialized a bit more.

 So tomorrow I am making a grocery list, and I am going to cook meals for my family again. I will probably always turn my head when I see a yellow truck or a huge doberman, and think of him when I see dried squid or a perfectly awesome recipe he would have loved. I guess I will always miss him, I just hope not always so badly?

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

not everything i say requires a response.

 first off let me say, my shift key is not working so nothing is uppercase today. so sorry.   the new chick at work is driving me...crazy. short drive i know but even so. like seriously. crazy. she argues with everything, butts into any conversation started without her in it, and denies anything being done wrong. she's new, making a mistake is going to happen. if you do it, fess up, and get on. your not in trouble. shut up. quit denying it just say ok, and get on with life. it does not always require a response. just do it. or don't do it, whatever fits in the time. then i have customers like the lady today. she and her friends all got their pizzas. when i walked by i stopped to check on the table. i noticed that the lady was asking her friend to sniff her slice of pizza, of which she had taken one bite of. i asked if everything was okay 'it tasted funny when i took a bite' she says 'here taste it," she tries to get her friends to taste it, one sniffs and ...

some days

 The kids are just cute. I know I normally talk about how bratty they are. but today, well today they were just cute. All of them, even Destiny. Believe it or not.  Hannah came down the little car line to get into the van and she was smiling and so happy, and so dang cute. Promise had a friend over part of the day Bailey played mario and Destiny told me my shirt looked like a hobo shirt (it was Tims)  Today was just a good day. not sure what made it that way. the kids mostly got a long, there were a few SHUTUPS tossed out but for the most part it was pretty peaceful. I wish more days, were like today.  I went to Lowe's today to get a shelf thing to put in our laundry room. Its so exciting! TO think a shelf would be nice here, and then think YEAH, I'll put one in. See we can do that, cus we OWN our house! :) Its awesome!  I got a few more seeds today. Sweet baby peppers, zucchini and squash too. Yum. I really hope something grows this year. I am SO sore f...

Love the one your with.

 My mom and I were talking and lately her relationship is what I guess we could call complicated. During our conversation she stopped and asked me "Are you happy with Tim?" without hesitation I answered "yes".She told me that she knew he loved me and she was so glad I could be happy.  Later I was thinking about it. I have wondered is he "it" is he the one. How can I be sure, how is anyone ever sure? We have been together for almost 9 years now. Granted we've had our issues, but every night he comes home to me, and every morning he's next to me in bed. He loves me, he provides for me, and I love him and provide for him. Together we are raising four wonderful children.  Do I still get butterflies when he walks though the door? Well, honestly, no. Do I still miss him the moment he walks away... Again no, sometimes I am more than happy to see him leave for the evening and go to work... Does that mean I love him any less than I did when our love was...