The oddly normal life of Clorie

 How is it going? Its going. The world is still spinning.  I joined a gym. The kids and I. A week ago Monday, I have been three times, but once was just to tan. I feel motivated to lose the weight I let myself regain somehow.   Our mortgage is going up. Already. This was unexpected. With our home warranty almost at an end I start to get nervous. The garbage disposal broke, and I fixed it myself... Neither Tim or I are very handy, but all I can say is THANK GOD for online tutorials....  Life. Its just life. I am stressing it, but at the same time I am trying to just be a duck... Life is hard!  So there is bills to pay, fun things to do, stressful situations, and fighting kids. Same ol' same ol right? Nothings changed yet nothing is the same. Life. Lovely lovely life.

 Why is it that our brain can hold on to certain things, and replay them for us, nearly as clear as a movie played on the TV... While other things, like where you left your keys, escape you moments after they are done?  I can remember the births of my babies, like they were yesterday. That moment I first laid eyes on them. The first smiles I got, the first steps, I can play them all back in my mind, and relive them nearly... Like yesterday as they say.  Then there are the not so great moments, that play back, almost like nightmares they are so real, and so much like just yesterday. The doctor telling us they think our son has cancer... Even though at the time, it seemed like the world stopped and went fuzzy, and at that exact moment all I can remember doing is praying... I can now relive EVERY word the doctor said to us. I can relive the long ride, reading that first paper about chemo, and all the side effects, signing that sheet that said I understood when really......

 Between right and wrong. That is our main job/goal as a parent. To teach your children the value of what is right and what is wrong. Though life everyone does things that are wrong. It does not mean that the parents did not teach it to them though... Although when they do wrong, especially when they do very wrong.... The parents are the ones that take the blame, blame themselves, and wonder what they did wrong, or how they could have done better.  Tonight I am in that situation. I feel like a fuck up, failure of a mother. Apparently I have not taught well enough, the value of a dollar, of being honest, and of owning up to a mistake when you make one... We all make mistakes and I know that. It just totally sucks when you make them, or when your children make them. You want to go in and just erase it and you cannot.  Today life really just plain sucks. One day I will look back at this and it not seem like as big of a deal as it is now... probably when they do something...